Expectation without Explanation

My newsletter article for March:

Last week I was talking with a co-worker about the expectations that churches have for their people, many of which those people may be completely unaware of.  In all churches, there are expectations of behavior, attitude, and ritual, and often we simply assume that people know what we're doing and why we're doing it.  As we talked, we began to refer to it as "expectation without explanation."  This phrase as sent my brain whirring, and as I have thought about this concept more and more, I have realized how much this idea applies across the board today, at least for my generation.  I don't have the age or historical knowledge to be able to tell you what life was like back in the 1950s and '60s, but I can tell you what I see and hear in our post-hippie, post-MTV, post-AOL world:  Its not enough to know what we're supposed to do... we want to know why.

How does this concept play out in your life?  That depends on your relationships I suppose.  In your marriage, you probably have expectations of your spouse that involve chores, or money, or raising the children, or behavior, or attitude, or whatever.   Not only is it important to verbalize these expectations (they aren't a mind reader!), make sure you say why these things are important to you.  Similarly, as a parent you have expectations of bed times, friend choices, schoolwork, etc.  First verbalize, and then explain.  NO matter how old your child, it is important that they know why you want them to do something, and "because I say so" is not an explanation, it's an excuse.

Other ways?  How about if you are a child with expectations of your parents?  Have you told them what they are?  Have you explained why these things are important to you?  Knowing why something is important to somebody often leads to more rational discussions and less explosions.  If you are a teacher or mentor of any kind, does the person looking to you as an authority understand why the things you are asking them to do are important?  Students of all ages are far more engaged when they know why they are doing something.  If you are a boss or manager, you will find that you employees are far more willing to act according to your expectations if they are able to discuss with you the merit of those expectations and understand why you want them to accomplish the task.

An explanation generally takes one, maybe two more sentences than the expectation; a small price to pay for a better understanding and greater unity in your world.

Fatherhood Part 1

Its an interesting thing, being a new father.  The bundle of emotion, the lack of sleep, the realization 3 months in that I could no longer picture life without her...  all of it does some strange things to your life, your relationships, and your thinking.  Ashlynn is now nearly 9 months old, and I think I have found the strangest role of being a new father: the third wheel.

In some sense, my daily living is like being the third wheel on a date (without all of the uncomfortableness).  Even if those two people are your two best friends in the world, you know, at some point in the evening, you will just not be as important to them as they are to each other.  It doesn't mean they don't care; it just means that the connection between the two of them is so strong you will never be able to compete.

In my case, I have the pleasure of spending some part of (almost) every day with the two people I love most in the world, my wife and my baby girl.  I don't think I could possibly cherish that time enough, and I look forward to getting as much of it as possible.  The three of us make a dynamite team, a unit that feels like the definition of completion.  And I am more needed now than I have ever been in my entire life.  My wife needs my emotional, mental, and physical support; she needs a parenting teammate in every sense. My baby needs us for everything, and when Mommy isn't around she knows that I am her knight-in-shining-armor, ready to give her the world.  But that's just it: "when mommy isn't around" is the key phrase there.

When Mommy is around, there is no doubt who the preferred arms, chest, and shoulders belong to.  And when Mommy is around Baby, it is undoubtedly the highlight of Mommy's existence.  I have no doubt that they both love me very much, but I am relegated to the role of "third wheel," for I have no hope of competing with the type of magnetism that can only develops from being completely and wholly enveloped in a person for nine solid months.

I don't want this to sound like I am in an attention and love competition, because I don't view it that way (I don't think).  This is simply my observation of my current role, knowing full well that my role will be constantly evolving to meet their needs, because meeting their needs will always be the focus of my role.  And who knows? 

Maybe one of these days she'll be a daddy's girl after all...

A Writer's Shyness

About two weeks ago, my wife Wendy talked me into getting a blog.  My desire to preach is currently somewhat unfulfillable and my desire to write seems somewhat stymied.  "So," she said, "write a blog; even if nobody reads it."  Seemed like a great idea.  Still does, really.  But after creating this little doodad that night, I have been really struggling with what to write for my 1st ever blog.  This seemed like a momentous occasion, although I'm not really sure why.  Its not that I expect this to become some world renowned blog site, its just that the standard "hi, I'm me" intro blog didn't seem adequate.  If this blog is the launching pad for my thoughts, shouldn't starting the engine come with a little more fire and ferocity?  Then last night I came across this quote in a Phillip Yancey book I've been reading called Soul Survivor: How My Faith Survived the Church:

"I cannot conceive the necessity for God to love me, when I feel so clearly that even with human beings affection for me can only be a mistake.  But I can easily imagine that He loves that perspective of creation which can only be seen from the point where I am." - Simone Weil

Taking off on the idea that we all have a unique perspective of the world, one that is given to us and loved by God, Yancey used this quote to talk about the shyness that a writer must overcome, the "fear that we are being arrogant by thrusting ourselves upon you the reader, and egotistical by assuming that our words are worth your time."  I think this is my problem with Facebook, Myspace, blogging, Twitter, and any other form of social media:  why would anyone care what I have to say?  So I don't update my facebook status, myspace status, or twitter account, and heretofore have never blogged.  This blog is, if nothing else, my attempt to overcome that shyness.  It is my sincere hope that if you are reading this, you somehow find the words in this blog and any that follow to be "worth your time."

Weil's quote, however, goes even deeper than that.  I have never before seen anyone so accurately sum up my feelings towards God.  Beyond the simple fear of sharing my perspective with the world, waiting with bated breath for their approval, in my heart I think I'm constantly questioning whether God finds me to be worth His time.  I teach and preach about God's love as often as I can fit it in, because it's that love that caused Him to send Jesus to save and a Spirit to guide, and yet I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and really believed that God loved me.  I look at the man in the mirror (I even struggle to use the word "man" there when "boy" still seems more accurate) and see someone in a constant struggle with anger, lust, arrogance, selfishness, and judgment, which causes me to wonder why any human being would love me, let alone a great and perfect and powerful God.

Yet I have no trouble at all believing that when God looks at His creation from my perspective, He loves what He sees. I am fully convinced that every person, every creature, every creation that I run into is loved and adored by Almighty God.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am called by God to love the things that He loves, to love them the way that He does, by laying down my life for them whenever possible.  Even though I struggle and fail constantly in this endeavor, I know my obligation as a child of God is to be "Jesus with skin on" to everyone and everything that I meet.

However hard it is to believe that God loves what He sees when He looks in my direction, I can easily see that He loves the perspective He's given me.   I can see Him leaning back in a chair next to me as we look at my life and He whispers, "wow, look at the view!"  And I must simply nod in agreement.  If I stop running long enough to look, I am surrounded by wonderful, miraculous, horrible people in a beautiful, broken, sinful world.  I am blessed with a wonderful life, a wonderful family, and a unique perspective on life, all of which are gifts from a God who loves me whether I believe it or not.  So this blog is, in essence, an offering of sorts back to God, a chance for me to share with Him and with you what His creation looks like from my perspective.  I hope that you love what you see as much as He does...